Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: kill you
haven't written in this thing in a long time...oh well, been...well not busy exactly, just...something, i don't fuckin know, stop badgering me.
but i'm back now dammit, i bet you missed me--yeah right, like anyone reads this goddamn thing anyway.
wow i sound mad or something. i'm not, i'm just in such a wierd mood lately, all revved up....i should really turn this excess energy into something constructive. i try to write but i don't get very far. i did a painting the other day, almost finished it and lost interest...i probably have some undiagnosed ADD or something, i lose interest pretty fast. speaking of which, it took me a fucking hour to write this...i kept wandering off.
umm yeah...i'm going to wander off again i guess.

here i am...again.
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: um, some movie in the living room.
sooo...here i am again. sitting here, doped up on cold medicine, thinking about going to bed. but i'm not yet because....um, actually i can't think of a good reason. i bitch and whine about how tired i am all the time but i can never seem to force myself to just GO TO FUCKING SLEEP at a decent hour. lovin the pain i guess. yeah, right.
my stepbrother and his girlfriend are going to have a baby. hearing about stuff like that always makes me consider having another one, especially once the baby is born and i get to hold it and smell the baby smell on it's fuzzy head...my baby boy is 15 months old and has lost that smell, that sweet musty scent that kicks one's maternal instincts into overdrive. i guess by the time your baby loses that smell you have already honed those instincts and don't need any olfactory cues...or something. anyway, i think it's going to be a boy, even though from what i've seen they're already picking out girl's names. we shall see...
why the fuck do i write in this thing anyway? no one but me ever reads it. i don't know why they would, i don't have anything profound to say, but still.
whoo hoo....i feel all fuzzy. wheeee...cold medicine. i hate being sick, but i catch every stupid virus that floats anywhere near me. i thought i was pretty healthy. i smoke but i exercise and take vitamins and eat my veggies. but i'm kind of a mess anyway. look at all these bruises, if i even think about walking into something i bruise. someone once saw a bruise on my arm and thought my husband beat me. ha, yeah right. he's more of the sulky type. and whiny, holy crap is he whiny sometimes. i feel like the only adult in the house sometimes, sad because i have to usually remind myself that i'm not a kid anymore and have no excuse for being as ridiculous as i am. how many mommies bounce around the house playing air guitar to metallica? um....maybe a lot, i don't know. i'll have to do a survey.
lordy lordy, i should go to bed. seriously, folks, my brain is barely functioning at this point. oh, yeah...christmas is almost here. that's what my problem is. that and the cold. it's such a pain in the ass, running from my grandmother's house to john's mom and dad's to my dad's house. it's just insane. especially with two screaming kids in the back seat coming down from the grandma-inflicted sugar buzz. grrr...
all right dammit, off to bed.

whoo hoo
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: hash pipe
hey....i'm in a pretty good mood, it'd be nice to have a hug though....anyway, i actually had fun last night, had some people over and drank a bit, played some Scrabble. Drunken Scrabble, but whatever. i don't think i acted like too much of an ass, but if i did no one seemed too upset by it. when i drink i get the strong urge to rip my clothes off and dance around like a freak, but i managed to sit down and remain clothed. my husband was disappointed but i'm sure everyone else was happier not seeing my ass.
anyway, that's enough for tonight, i should go do something constructive. nighty night and stuff.

I LOVE EVERYONE!!!!! kisses...

whoo hoo
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: feel good inc.
Topic: tired
here I am, sitting here again, I should be sleeping or at least doing something constructive. of course the kids aren't sleeping yet, but for the moment they're amusing themselves, so I can't complain too much.
went to my dad's house tonight, sad that that's the most awesome thing I could think of to do. but it's nice, anyway, to get out of the house and talk to someone.
I am soooo lonely. yeah, I know I have a husband and kids. I am never alone in the physical sense. but I always feel alone, and I don't know why. I feel as though something is missing, something I should have done or should be doing. what the fuck is wrong with me? I'll have the aforementioned husband and kids, people who love me, which is far more than I had a few years ago. I should be happy dammit.
I don't know, maybe everyone feels this way. if I ever get some friends I'll have to ask them.
ha, I should stop bitching. I should treat my husband better. he deserves a better wife than me. he might complain a lot and collapse anytime the smallest crisis comes along, but he's only human. mostly he's a nice guy and I love him to pieces. we probably don't fight anymore than the average married couple. we probably snuggle and tell each other I love you more often than average. the sex is a whole weird thing, we either have it every night or not at all. it's okay, it's always good, amazing really. that man can twist me into positions i never dreamed possible.
ah, but anyway, i really should go exercise, work off those tacos i stuffed myself with earlier.

grrrr...
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: nothing
Topic: my insanity
so here i am...listening to my kids scream in thier respective bedrooms. They don't want to sleep but it's almost quarter to one in the morning and I am just...done. Everyone tells me little kids should be in bed by seven, eight at the latest, but oh, not mine. My daughter is 3, my son 15 months, and I count my blessings if they're both asleep by eleven. I love them both so much my heart aches just thinking about it, they are the ray of sunshine in my otherwise dark existence, but god, sometimes I can barely deal with it all. I hope I don't fuck it all up too much. I am not the mommy I want to be. I wish I could be more patient. I wish I could be a better role model for my kids. I don't know how good it is for them to watch mommy standing out on the deck puffing on a cigarette while they stand inside with their noses pressed to the sliding glass door. And I swear like a goddamn sailor. Yeah, right in front of them, casually because it usually doesn't even occur to me to watch my mouth.
Hey wait....silence. Could it be that they're both sleeping? That would be, like, mindblowingly awesome.


Success!!! Sweet....now I can calm down a bit. For the moment anyway.
Soooo....this is my blog. What a stupid fucking word...blog. Bloggity blog blog. Hehe...
So what the hell is up with me...let's see. Ha, as usual, not much. Still searching around for some friends. Oh, I have a couple, but they're like, normal and stuff. Scary normal. But where does one find people one can relate to? I can't. I look online but all I find are dudes who want to cyber and I, being married and stuff, can't do it. I hate cybering anyway, it's so pathetic.
Rarr...I hate everyone. Welll, not really, but whatever. It's how I feel.
Well, I guess I'll write again later.